Dear Pastor,
I started seeing this handsome guy in August 2004. Before I got intimate with him, he told me that he had an on-and-off relationship with his child's mother. I thought about what he said long and hard, but decided to sleep with him anyway. I have never done this kind of thing before. I am used to having proper relationships where I am the girl as opposed to the mistress. I literally couldn't get him out of my head.
After we had sex, he started calling me Babes and tried to greet me with a kiss whenever we meet. I like the kissing when we part, but I thought that the kissing everytime we met was a bit too much and I didn't want to get too close to him. Since we started sleeping together, we never go for more that two weeks without speaking or seeing each other. It's like our unspoken rule.
SUDDENLY SINGLE
In February 2005 (on the day before Valentine's Day), he called me excited and happy and told me that he was now single, so we could see each other whenever we wanted. I ignored his statement and changed the subject (remembering that he had told me in the beginning about he and his child's mother were having an on-and-off relationship). He quickly ended the conversation, saying that he'll see me later that night, but he never showed up. He didn't show up the next night either (Valentine's Day), which was the first night he stayed away until the next morning.
Since I met him, he has made a lot of changes in his life. For example, he used to share a flat with his friends and sold drugs and now he has his own flat and works as a security guard and no longer sells drugs. He has always supported his child financially and spends time with him often. I teach in a college, have my own flat and have no children. We are both 24 with our own cars.
Now here's the dilemma. Recently, my feelings have changed from not wanting to be in a relationship, to wanting to be in a proper relationship and starting a family. I told him how I felt without blaming him for my change of heart or targeting him as my soon-to-be-boyfriend. I just explained that I need more than the physical side of a relationship. We agreed to end the relationship before the year 2006, although he made it clear that that was not what he wanted.
MIXED FEELINGS
The last time we had sex was the first time we didn't use a condom. He asked me if he could ejaculate inside of me and I told him that I wasn't on the pill and so he didn't. I'm not sure why we did this (had unprotected sex). What if I had said yes to him? Why would he want to get me pregnant? I'm worrying because I have mixed feelings which I don't understand. I do not know or understand his feelings or the reasoning behind his actions, and I am scared to ask.
Like I mentioned before, I'm not used to being any man's girl on the side and having night-time visits. I'm used to be taken out to restaurants and the cinema, being showed off to friends and family members and meeting parents. Because he hasn't done any of this, I found it hard to believe that he is serious about me. He has never done anything to hurt me.
Should I end the relationship? Should I talk to him about how I feel? A big part of the problem is that I don't trust him because he cheated on his baby's mother with me. The saying goes once a cheater always a cheater. If he can do it with me, he can do it to me and I don't play when it comes to things like that. What do you think I should do?
K.D.,
St. Thomas, Jamaica
Dear K.D.,
Part of what you are trying to say to me is that you lowered your standard to go with this man. That is laughable. This guy didn't trick you. He told you that he was in another relationship. You ignored that and went to bed with him. You wanted sex. Admit it. You are single and you wanted a man at that time to have sex with. That is why you encouraged the man to come to your house at nights. And you did not care whether or not he was a drug dealer. If your standard was so high, how did you allow a drug dealer to become your lover? Is joke you giving me.
FOOLING YOURSELF
Even after telling this man that the relationship was over, you still went back to bed with him, and this time you had unprotected sex. Teacher, don't fool yourself. Your standard is not as high as the impression you are trying to give. You said this man cheated on his girlfriend with you, so he may do the same thing to you. Okay, he is guilty of that. But you are not a saint. You are the one who encouraged him to cheat, so you are no better.
If you don't love the man, don't use him just for sex. Tell him to go and don't entertain him anymore. Women use men and men use women. It is clear to me this time that you are the user.
Pastor
DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?
IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU?
WRITE TO: TELL ME PASTOR, DR. AARON DUMAS, P.O. BOX 188, KING STREET, KINGSTON. FOR PERSONAL REPLIES PLEASE INCLUDE A STAMPED, SELF-ADDRESSED ENVELOPE. TELEPHONE: 929-1667/8
Do
you have a problem? Is something bothering
you? Write to 
